Day 29 - Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I hope to have more faith in myself and what I can do in life.  When things come up, whether it be a job, a task, etc, alot of the time I first think, "Umm, yeah, I can't do that..."  I want to get to where my first thought will be, "Yeah, let's give it a try."  I know that I am capable of alot.  I just worry about not being good enough.  I hope to get to where I don't worry so much about that and just live and be me.

Day 28 - What if you were pregnant, what would you do?

Well, this happened twice already... I kept them both...

If I happened to find out I was pregnant, then someone would be in a shit ton of trouble for raping me...

However if I was in a relationship that was stable, healthy, etc I might consider having one or two more... that is a big fat IF, however... it would depend on the person I was with and the amount of money we had.

Day 27 - What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Well, I'm going to have to say that time is going by quick.  I'm dealing with a bunch of drama and BS right now... trying to sort everything out and get the machine running smooth.  It's been a pain in the ass and looks to be staying a pain in the ass for at least a while longer.  But time seems to be breezing by so that makes it a little more bearable.

That and my kids and I are all healthy.  That in it's self is A++ material. ;0)

Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Quite a few times actually...

The largest space of time, and the time that I felt the most serious about getting out was from seventh grade through about ninth... maybe tenth grade.  Seventh and eighth were the hardest for me...  I was made fun of daily.  I was made fun of for the music I listened to, how I run, my clothes, you name it.  They were mean.  They made me cry.  They made me hate myself.  They made me hate life.

I got through that and was okay for the rest of high school.  Then being in a relationship with my now kids' dad made me want to get out a few times....

2006 was absolute horror to me.  I had just had a really bad year in 2005 (postpartum depression with a newborn who was absolutely evil... I was fat... and over all just felt really bad about myself) and he decided that it was the perfect time to decide he wanted to be single.  Going to strip clubs and spending HUNDREDS of dollars a night... yelling at me over anything and everything... and finally I moved out into my mom's house where there ended up being weeks at a time where Shia and I didn't see him.  I was madly in love with him at the time... all I could see was him out with other girls while I was at home taking care of our child.  I felt like if I had been better... If I had done something different.  I felt horrible and was doing whatever I could to make myself feel better.  Those choices just hurt me worse.  If I didn't have Shia (and my This Time Around CD) it probably would have been a bigger mess than it was.

2007 was another tough year, but not one where I wanted to end it... I was pregnant with my prince... my sweet baby boy.  That and Shia were enough to hold me strong that year.  I was even fairly happy through all the bullshit.

There has been a bunch of random really bad stuff since then.  And this year has been pretty tough.  But definitely not one that has made me consider getting out of it.  Just makes me look forward, hoping for better times.  Hopefully I'll get there.

Day 25 - The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

There was a time when I thought about dying...  I wasn't the most popular person in school... there were certain kids who made fun of me every day and made me feel like shit about myself.  These are the people I lied to to impress... yeah, they still weren't impressed.  They still made me cry just about every day when I went home.  Still made me look at myself in the mirror and see nothing but ugly, stupid, and unworthy.  I thought about taking a ton of pills and going to sleep and just not waking up... on a number of occasions.

In the end, I put on my This Time Around CD instead of taking those pills.  I escaped from my world and soaked myself in that album.  To this day if I'm having a bad day I can put that album in and absorb into it and it's like the pain drifts from me... especially when I get to enjoy it live.  ;0)

I am alive today because I found what it is that I need to do to get myself through tough times.  Some people drink... some smoke... some scream and break things... some cut... I listen to This Time Around.  In the last 10 years it has gotten me through some really really hard times.  Times I didn't think I could live through.  And it turns out that all those things that seemed unbearable at the time look like scraps of what the next hard times look like.  And yet I keep making it through.  I keep my head up.  And I get stronger as a person every time.  That's the way it should be.

I'm having a hard time dealing with something right now... thank God I had a Hanson concert right smack in the middle of this.  It is keeping my spirits higher.  Keeping me going forward when all I feel like doing is curling up in my bed and sleeping until things are better.  I've been listening to This Time Around basically every day... cranking it up on my way to and from work... singing full volume regardless of if anyone is looking at me.  It heals me.  It strengthens me.

Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

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