December 13th, 2010

So, I never finished the 30 Days of Truth... and honestly, I probably never will.  I don't think I'll ever sit down long enough to give myself time to write myself a letter about everything I like about myself or whatever.

Things are going okay right now.  Short on money, but that's nothing new.  Work is good.  I enjoy my job, for the most part, and the people are starting to be nicer.  I think they were just worried about having an outsider come in and start bossing them around.  I think I've shown them (most of them at least) that I'm not trying to take over.  There are still a couple people who seem to have their guard up... that or they just don't like me. haha

Some stuff is changing and going on.  Nothing set in stone yet so I'm not talking about it openly until I figure out all the details and such.

I'm wondering how Christmas is going to work this year since everyone is all split up.  Not happy that I have to work on Shia's birthday either... actually slightly pissed off.  But what can you do?

Day 29 - Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I hope to have more faith in myself and what I can do in life.  When things come up, whether it be a job, a task, etc, alot of the time I first think, "Umm, yeah, I can't do that..."  I want to get to where my first thought will be, "Yeah, let's give it a try."  I know that I am capable of alot.  I just worry about not being good enough.  I hope to get to where I don't worry so much about that and just live and be me.

Day 28 - What if you were pregnant, what would you do?

Well, this happened twice already... I kept them both...

If I happened to find out I was pregnant, then someone would be in a shit ton of trouble for raping me...

However if I was in a relationship that was stable, healthy, etc I might consider having one or two more... that is a big fat IF, however... it would depend on the person I was with and the amount of money we had.

Day 27 - What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Well, I'm going to have to say that time is going by quick.  I'm dealing with a bunch of drama and BS right now... trying to sort everything out and get the machine running smooth.  It's been a pain in the ass and looks to be staying a pain in the ass for at least a while longer.  But time seems to be breezing by so that makes it a little more bearable.

That and my kids and I are all healthy.  That in it's self is A++ material. ;0)

Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Quite a few times actually...

The largest space of time, and the time that I felt the most serious about getting out was from seventh grade through about ninth... maybe tenth grade.  Seventh and eighth were the hardest for me...  I was made fun of daily.  I was made fun of for the music I listened to, how I run, my clothes, you name it.  They were mean.  They made me cry.  They made me hate myself.  They made me hate life.

I got through that and was okay for the rest of high school.  Then being in a relationship with my now kids' dad made me want to get out a few times....

2006 was absolute horror to me.  I had just had a really bad year in 2005 (postpartum depression with a newborn who was absolutely evil... I was fat... and over all just felt really bad about myself) and he decided that it was the perfect time to decide he wanted to be single.  Going to strip clubs and spending HUNDREDS of dollars a night... yelling at me over anything and everything... and finally I moved out into my mom's house where there ended up being weeks at a time where Shia and I didn't see him.  I was madly in love with him at the time... all I could see was him out with other girls while I was at home taking care of our child.  I felt like if I had been better... If I had done something different.  I felt horrible and was doing whatever I could to make myself feel better.  Those choices just hurt me worse.  If I didn't have Shia (and my This Time Around CD) it probably would have been a bigger mess than it was.

2007 was another tough year, but not one where I wanted to end it... I was pregnant with my prince... my sweet baby boy.  That and Shia were enough to hold me strong that year.  I was even fairly happy through all the bullshit.

There has been a bunch of random really bad stuff since then.  And this year has been pretty tough.  But definitely not one that has made me consider getting out of it.  Just makes me look forward, hoping for better times.  Hopefully I'll get there.

Day 25 - The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

There was a time when I thought about dying...  I wasn't the most popular person in school... there were certain kids who made fun of me every day and made me feel like shit about myself.  These are the people I lied to to impress... yeah, they still weren't impressed.  They still made me cry just about every day when I went home.  Still made me look at myself in the mirror and see nothing but ugly, stupid, and unworthy.  I thought about taking a ton of pills and going to sleep and just not waking up... on a number of occasions.

In the end, I put on my This Time Around CD instead of taking those pills.  I escaped from my world and soaked myself in that album.  To this day if I'm having a bad day I can put that album in and absorb into it and it's like the pain drifts from me... especially when I get to enjoy it live.  ;0)

I am alive today because I found what it is that I need to do to get myself through tough times.  Some people drink... some smoke... some scream and break things... some cut... I listen to This Time Around.  In the last 10 years it has gotten me through some really really hard times.  Times I didn't think I could live through.  And it turns out that all those things that seemed unbearable at the time look like scraps of what the next hard times look like.  And yet I keep making it through.  I keep my head up.  And I get stronger as a person every time.  That's the way it should be.

I'm having a hard time dealing with something right now... thank God I had a Hanson concert right smack in the middle of this.  It is keeping my spirits higher.  Keeping me going forward when all I feel like doing is curling up in my bed and sleeping until things are better.  I've been listening to This Time Around basically every day... cranking it up on my way to and from work... singing full volume regardless of if anyone is looking at me.  It heals me.  It strengthens me.

Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

[This post has been removed by TANSY]

Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I would stuck up for myself.  I always back down because I feel like other people are better/more important than I am.  I have no basis for feeling like that, but it's how I feel.  So I let people do and say whatever they want and never stick up for myself and what I know/believe is right.

I have lived in a world where things have not been good or happy a large chunk of the time but because I didn't think that there was any thing else for me out there, I just coped.  It's torn me up some... I'm damaged.  But I am hoping to get back to me soon.  I feel like I'm already on the way.

Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

I wish that I had never lied in my life.  I would love to be able to say I have never lied.  But it's not true.  I've made up lies to impress people (in school), lied to keep out of trouble (with my mom), etc.  I do my best to not lie about anything now, unless it's something to protect someone's feelings.  And it is more omission of truth than straight out lies.  Not that it's any better... but yeah.  There are certain people I tell the truth no matter what.  I hope they know that.  I'm sure they do since sometimes I'm so honest I say things that either make them stop and say, "Did she just say that?" or where it's something they weren't expecting... those people are the ones that I tell all the truth to.  You should know who you are.

Day 21 - (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

My first reaction would be to feel like shit.  I would think it was my fault, etc.

Second, I would get to my friend ASAP and let them know that I was there and that I was sorry for fighting earlier and that I love them.  And let them know that I'm there to help them in anyway possible.

I hope I never have to worry about this happening though... that'd be so sad. :(

Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Lets start with drugs.  Just because I don't use them (and never have :P ) doesn't mean that I am going to think that someone is a bad person just because they do it.  I don't agree with drug use, but I don't think it determines what kind of person you are... as long as it's not excessive and as long as the person isn't allowing themselves to put them or other people in a dangerous situation.

With alcohol, I also don't drink and never have... I have only had three sips of any kind of alcohol in my life and it was nasty... can't stand the smell of the stuff to be honest with you.  I can think of two times in my life that someone smelt super strong of alcohol and it didn't bother me.  Every other time it was "GET AWAY!!"

I also don't judge people for drinking.  But under the same "restrictions" as the drugs.  If they are doing it in excess constantly, they need help.  If they are getting in a car and driving, NOT OK with me.  It's not okay to put other people's lives in danger for your little fun time.

Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

First off, I believe that everyone should be allowed to believe in what ever they want to believe in.

Second, and this may come as a shock to some people (maybe  because I don't drink or smoke or something... I don't know...), but I am absolutely not religious.  I do believe in God.  I do pray sometimes.  But I don't go to church... haven't in at LEAST 10 years.  I don't leave things in my life up to God because my believe is that He created us to watch us... not to interfere.  So while when shit really hits the fan I'll shoot a prayer up to ask Him to take it a little easy on me, I don't really think He's controlling stuff to make it go good or bad.  I guess I believe in heaven.  As a kid, I refused to.  It seems ridiculous that there's this wonderful place we all go when we die.  But I hope it's true.  I do believe in hell... though I don't know that I believe it's some fire pit or whatever... and the devil... yeah he doesn't scare me. :P

As far as politics, I choose not to be informed because to be honest, it confuses the shit out of me.  I listen to pieces of some stuff and I'm just like, ".... wait... what?!"  So I think it's best for me to not involve myself in political stuff.

Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage.

My opinion on marriage is that everyone deserves the opportunity to be unhappy... Gay, straight, bi, etc.  :P

If two men want to be married, I don't see how it is any of my business, or any of anyone elses business, if they get married.  As long as people aren't related, they should be able to marry whoever they want if they both want to get married.  End of story.  It doesn't matter what color, gender, race, etc.

Day 17 - A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

So, I'm really kind of pathetic and have never really read a book that has changed my views on something.  However I have read a few books that have opened my eyes to stuff.  The one that stands out is The Diary of Anne Frank.  I had absolutely no idea about the Holocaust when I started reading it.  I was around 12 I think when I read it.  It hit me pretty good.  I felt horrible that this girl who seemed like such a cool person had to go through all the crap she went through.  I got interested in learning about the Holocaust after that.

Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without.

I could SO live without traffic.  Oh my... I can't even describe to you how much I hate traffic.  And I swear the traffic lights are possessed because they always seem to know when you want them to stay green... they'll go red.  And when you want them to go red (to read a text or something), they'll stay green.  I could totally do without that.

Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Oh Lordy... I don't even know what to do/where to begin on this one.

Gonna do something totally lame because I don't want to get all deep on this. :P

ROCKSTAR!!!!  I'm addicted.  It makes me feel good.  It makes me happy.  It makes me smile.  When I don't have it, I can still be happy and okay, but I don't have that extra ZING to my attitude.  Sometimes it is direly necessary... like you wouldn't want to talk to me on some days unless I get some Rockstar in my belly first.  :P

Day 14 - A hero that has let you down.

I don't know that I have ever had a "hero".

I guess I'll just say finding out about guys I had watched in basketball or football (college or pro) doing things that are bad (abuse, rape, drugs, etc).  I enjoy watching them play their sports and stuff... sorta looked up to them. I guess I just never thought that they'd do things like that.

This question doesn't really apply to me... :P

Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

This one is SOOOOOOOOOOO easy.

Dear Hanson,

It used to be that being a fan of yours made people treat me bad and make fun of me.  I even pretended not to like you for a few years just to get people off my back.  Reality is, there has never been music that has touched me and felt as right to me as your music does.

This Time Around is my go to album.  This album has gotten me through depression, break-ups, separations, PPD, and now leaving my husband.  All these things were/are horrible parts of my life.  But I've made it through them and am a stronger person because of them.  Listening to This Time Around (and some songs off of other albums) gives me that extra little push I need to be strong enough to get through my days.

When I need some energy to go to work, I put on one of your CDs and blast it.  I don't give a shit who hears it. And I belt out every song.  It makes me smile.  It makes me happy.

So thank you Hanson.  Please continue to put out music as long as you can.  And please aim for another album similar in sound to This Time Around... I think most of your fans will agree it was your best album to date.

♥ - Tansy

Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on.

I've been thinking about this... there are alot of things I don't ever get complimented on though.  So I've been trying to choose one thing that makes me not sound like I'm whining about it. haha

I guess I'll say I never get compliments on my hand-writing.  It's not like I have bad hand-writing.  Actually, I think it's quite good.  But I don't think I've been told, "You have nice writing!"

Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

This one is easy as pie...

I get the most complements on my hair.  I get complements from strangers when I'm going into or leaving stores... when I'm purchasing stuff... while I'm working...  I get complemented on my hair all the freaking time.

Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

I honestly don't know where to go with on this one.  Obviously I'm letting go of Michael, so he can't count for this...  there is another person I can think of that sometimes I feel like I should let go of our friendship, but I have a feeling in my stomach that it would be totally wrong of me to do so, so I don't think I'll be letting go of that anytime soon.

I don't know...

Most everyone who doesn't deserve to be in my life, isn't in my life.  So really, I don't know.

Day 09 - Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I'm going to go with Lori on this one.  Though we still talk, occasionally, for the most part, we never see each other and rarely talk.  Lori was my best friend EVER.  We were inseparable in high school.  Until Mike and I started dating.  I started  spending a ton of time with him and not as much with Lori.  Lori, like any normal person, got fed up with being ignored and moved on.

Like I said we still talk sometimes, but when I have exciting news, I don't go rushing to tell her anymore.  When bad stuff happens, I don't usually cry on her shoulder.  Heck, I basically went through two pregnancies and now two separations without her.  I know it's more my fault than anything.  I know if I called her up and said, "Hey, I need your shoulder" she'd be there.  I mostly don't want to bother her, so I keep it to myself or bug the shit out of my internet friends about stuff.

That's how it goes sometimes I guess.  I would be there at the drop of a dime for her, just like I know she would for me.  We just don't talk as much between those moments as I'd like.

Day 08 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Sad how instantly I was able to think of someone on this... even sadder is how important this person has been and will continue to be to me.

My husband is the person who has made my life hell and treated me like shit.  I am not going to go into details because it isn't everyone's business.  But I have had so many down times in my life since him and I started dating.  I love the guy to death, but I can honestly say that I know we were never meant to be in a romantic relationship together.

Some day he'll find someone who is the way he wants his woman to be and they will be very happy together.  I hope it happens for him soon... mostly so he'll just leave me the hell alone in that aspect.  :P

I have obviously forgiven him for the stuff he's done... however, it's impossible to forget.  Those memories are always in my mind and I sit there waiting for bad stuff to happen each day because I know it's coming... I just don't know when.  Which is why I'm leaving.

Day 07 - Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Please excuse me while I seem like a total bitch and only recognize one of my kids in this post... sorry Shia, but honestly, you make things so hard sometimes it makes me feel like getting out rather than going on.  I still love you to pieces though!!!  Kisses baby girl.

Okay, one person who makes my life worth living is Gavin.  Though he has his normal little kid moments where he is a jerk, most of the time he is my little angel baby.  I can just look at his face and it makes me smile.  He tells me I'm beautiful all the time while stroking the side of my cheek, or my hair.  He tries to make me smile by doing goofy dance moves or faces when I seem upset.  He climbs up and cuddles with me randomly and tells me he loves me.

All that in addition to the fact that I feel an internal connection to him that I had never felt before he was born.  Obviously Shia is my child as well, but there is some kind of pull between Gavin and me.  Like when he's gone, part of me is gone.  Livable when I'm at work, but for long periods of time, like days, I don't know how I would deal with it.  I honestly might cry when he starts school even though with Shia I was like, "Love you kid!  See ya later!"  I'll be hard to see off my little Boo.

I live to make sure that I raise this little boy to be one of the good guys.  I never want my son to ever hurt a girl the way I've been hurt.  And as he is right now, I don't think he ever would hurt anyone.  He is big and strong, but he is also gentle and friendly.  He's going to be the perfect man someday.  And I better get a HUGE thank you. haha

Day 06 - Something you hope you never have to do.

Sorry for being MIA over the weekend.  I don't ever really get to get online on the weekends.  But here we go with day six. :)


One thing I hope I never have to do is see one of my kids die.  This is something that has been brought up because Shia is a little drama queen and one day she told me that when she dies she hopes I come to her headstone all the time.  I told her that kids aren't suppose to die before parents.  And that I would be very sad if she died before I did.

Thinking about it, it would feel like my life was over if it ever happened to either of them.  My world is taking care of them and watching them grow.  I don't know how I would get through other than telling myself that they wouldn't have wanted me to not live.

Day 05 - Something you hope to do in your life.

So easy.  I already have been married, had kids, worked at a place I love, etc.  One thing that I haven't gotten to do that I'd really love to do is travel.

The only time I have ever left Idaho has been with my mom.  I have been to all the surrounding states, plus California, Colorado, Maryland, DC, and Florida.  But that's it.  I've never been to Canada, even though it's not that far from here.  I've never been anywhere really tropical.  Florida being the closest, but I never even saw the ocean there!  I have NEVER seen the ocean!!!  That is something I would really love to do.  I've never been on a real beach, just the little beaches outside lakes.  Those don't count.

I'd love to go to Europe, Africa, Asia, and especially Australia.

I'll probably never get go to those places.  Honestly, I doubt I'll ever even see the ocean before I die.  But that is what I want to do, and hope to be able to at some point.

Day 04 - Something you have to forgive someone for.

This one is really tough for me.  I looked at what today's question was last night and have been thinking since then on who I need to forgive.  Honestly, I forgive fairly easy.  Forgetting is another story though.

I guess since I have to answer this, I'll say I have to forgive my kids for continuing to ruin things even though they know better.  Like yesterday... Gavin ripped keys off of my laptop for the second time in a year.  He knows better.  but yet, when Mom stepped out of the room for two minutes (to get HIM a drink no less...) he ripped the keys off.  I'm pissed.  Not going to lie.  It irritates me every time I have to push real hard on the M key because there is no freaking key there and it doesn't pick it up every time...  But Gavin is a kid... they make mistakes.  And I need to forgive him for it.

So Gavin, even though you can't read this, I forgive you... but DON'T do it again.  *gives stern Mommy look*

Day 03 - Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I need to forgive myself for making poor choices when it comes to relationships.

I follow my feelings, my gut instincts.  And my instincts aren't always right.  I have been through a lot of shit because of that.  Stuff I won't get into.  I cry as I type this because I know the stuff I've been through, I could have stopped from happening 7 years ago.  But I was in love and chose to ignore what was going on because of that.

I got two beautiful children out of my poor choices.  And a shit ton of real life experiences.  I hope to use what I've learned to help my friends who are either younger than me or who just haven't gotten in as deep as I did yet.

I don't regret the choices I made.  I just know that if I was to live it over again (without knowledge of what would happen in the future) that I would want to have made better choices.  And I forgive myself for those choices.  I'm human and I make mistakes.  Just trying to figure out how to know when things are a mistake before I do them.

Day 02 - Something you love about yourself.

Sorry, missed yesterday.  :-[


Today's you might find interesting... the think I love about myself is also the thing I hate about myself.  I love that I'm so nice.

When I think of what a good person is, I think of someone who thinks of others first.  Someone who is willing to give up things to make their friends and family happy.  If everyone was like that, we'd all have what we want and need.

I feel like I am a good person because I am always trying to make people happy.  When I make people I love or care about happy, I can't tell you how good it makes me feel.  When they do the same for me, it's even better.

I'm learning who it's okay to bend over backwards for and who it isn't.  Then I can still love that part of me and not have to hate it anymore because it'll be used on the right people.

Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself.

I'm wondering if it's a bad thing that it's easy for me to find something about myself that I hate.  Whether it's bad or not, I've known forever what I hate about myself.

I'm too nice.  I hate that I am too nice.

I put everyone before myself, whether they deserve it or not.  People treat me like shit, and I still bend over backwards for them.  Even if my worst enemy asked me to do something for them, I'd probably do it just because that's how I am.

I hate it and wish I could change it.

Life would be alot different if I wasn't like this.  I wouldn't have been in the relationship with Michael for as long as I was if I wasn't like that.  I just want everyone to be happy.  When I feel like I am making someone happy, I don't want to do anything to stop that.  So I give up being happy myself in order to keep them happy.

I'm working on changing that now.  :)

30 Days of Truth

Okay, I am stealing this from a friend, who stole it from a friend, who stole it from a friend.  But it sounds like fun, so I'm doing it. haha  It's called 30 Days of Truth.  If you would like to join in and do it too, here are the questions you are suppose to answer, one each day.


Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself